Is It Love or Lust?

Is It Love or Lust?

By Amy Bowles Reyer, Ph.D.

"There's nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman; it's a thing no married man knows anything about." — Oscar Wilde

So how can you tell if it's love or lust? To get developmental perspective, we posed the question — and a few others — to anthropology professor Helen Fisher of Rutgers University:

Q: What is the relationship between love and lust and do we often confuse the two?

A: There are different emotional and physiological components to both love and lust. Romantic attraction and feelings of love for someone elevates our dopamine and serotonin levels, which causes feelings of elation and loss of appetite. When we get to the point of feeling attachment and a more long-term phase of love, our bodies generate more oxytocin (known as the "hormone of love").

Lust, sex drive and an appetite for sex can visit during this process and is generated by increased testosterone levels in both men and women. Heightened levels of testosterone inspire a feeling of focused attention and sexual arousal.

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Q: Is infidelity a natural phenomenon?

A: We definitely have the circuitry to be adulterous. There are Darwinian reasons why cheating has evolved. If a man has two children with one woman and more children with another, more of his DNA will be present in the next generation, which includes the genes associated with adultery! It perpetuates itself.

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Q: Who are more adulterous, men or women?

A: Roughly 25 percent of men and 15 percent of women will be adulterous during marriage. This is really hard to quantify, but it is fairly common in both sexes. What is interesting is that adultery seems to be decreasing.

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Q: That's surprising, why?

A: Possibly because both men and women are more independent and can leave an unhappy marriage more easily these days. We also find that men and women are marrying later, divorcing more and living longer, leaving them single for more of their adult lives. They are less adulterous as a result of spending less time married.

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Q: Do sex and love mean different things to men and women?

A: Men are more inclined to have one-night stands, and women tend to connect love and sex to a greater degree. Women connect sex with romance and intimacy, while men focus more on body parts and functioning. What's interesting is that men tend to consider sex a more intimate act than women do. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense because women are actually giving men a gift during copulation — the opportunity to spread his seed. It is also easier for women to find sexual partners.

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Q: Does age influence our sexual interests?

A: Young men have 10 times more testosterone in their early 20s, and this is the peak of their sex drive. It tends to level out after that. On the other hand, a woman's sex drive peaks in her late 20s and early 30s. As a result of decreased testosterone as men age, they tend to become more compassionate as their levels go down. Conversely, as a woman's estrogen level decreases with age, she will become more assertive. This has to do with the fact that the proportion of testosterone in a woman's system plays a larger role as the estrogen decreases.

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Q: What role does attractiveness play in this love-lust equation?

A: We find that highly attractive couples tend to divorce more — probably because they have more opportunities to form new relationships. In general, we tend to couple with people who have a similar level of attractiveness. We also find that men tend to fall for pretty faces, while women are highly attracted to men with fat wallets. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense because men are looking to improve their gene pool while women are looking for men who will help to support their children.

"Excuse Me While I Kiss That Guy"

We all love to sing along with our favorite songs. We sing in the car, in the shower, and at the karaoke bar. The problem is that half the time we don't know what we're singing. We're making up lyrics as we go along and hoping no one will notice. We presume that our secret is safely buried under the pumping bass coming through the speakers. Or else we're certain that NO ONE really knows the lyrics, so it's cool that we're winging it.

Wrong. Everyone knows. They may not know the exact words, but they know it's definitely not what you're singing. In fact, there's a word for this phenomenon. It's called "mondegreen," and it means "the mishearing or misinterpretation of a phrase, typically a standardized phrase, such as a line in a poem or a lyric in a song." (There's a great website called kissthisguy.com that's named after the frequently misheard Hendrix song listed below and is dedicated to the cataloging of mondegreens.)

So now that you've been outed, here are a few favorite misunderstood lyrics. Who was it that said, "No one pays attention to the lyrics?" Well, here's the proof.

I picked more messed up lyrics in the GetBack Mondegreen Gallery. Check them out then tell me yours. We're all in this karaoke bar together.

TOM PETTY: "American Girl"

What people sing: "That Wonderbra that she was gonna keep"
The actual lyric: "She had one little promise she was gonna keep"

This is the second single from Petty's 1977 debut album. Frankly, Tom mumbles so much when he sings that one could be forgiven for misunderstanding him.

QUEEN: "Bohemian Rhapsody"

What people sing: "Scare a moose, scare a moose, will you do my fan Van Gogh?"
The actual lyric: "Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?"

Immortalized by everyone from Wayne & Garth to Mig (from "Rock Star: INXS"), Queen's 1975 six-minute single is a lesson in rock grandiosity and made-up lyrics (or at least they sound like it). When the band is digging up words like "Scaramouche," who can blame someone for writing their own lyrics?

JIMI HENDRIX: "Purple Haze"

What people sing: "Excuse me while I kiss this guy"
The actual lyric: "Excuse me while I kiss the sky"

The granddaddy of famous misunderstood songs, this one has been a joke for over 40 years since its 1967 release. Hendrix said the lyrics were inspired by a dream in which he was walking under the sea. Between the crazy dreams and the crazy stuff running through his veins, Jimi himself probably wasn't sure what he was singing.

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: "Blinded by the Light"

What people sing: "Wrapped up like a douche, another loner in the night"
The actual lyric: "Cut loose like a deuce, another runner in the night"

Springsteen's tune from his debut album is full of inside Jersey references and non sequitur silliness. A listener can misinterpret lyrics for days. It's the '76 Manfred Mann's Earth Band cover that's responsible for the signature mondegreen on this one.

BECK: "Loser"

What people sing: "Someone get the door"
The actual lyric: "Soy un perdedor"

Beck only has himself to blame for going bilingual here. No one was ready for that one in 1994. He started a Spanglish craze.

STONE TEMPLE PILOTS: "Plush"

What people sing: "Where you going with the master plan?"
The actual lyric: "Where ya going with that mask I found?"

Frankly, I like the made-up version better. Stone Temple Pilots could use a little help anyway in the lyric-writing department. There's some questionable stuff going in their songs, aside from the stolen Zep sounds.

A heart-warming Christmas story

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the sick elves. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was going to come and visit. This obviously stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found out that three of them were about to give birth (go on Rudolph!!!) and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then he began to load his sleigh, when one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the floor and scattered the toys everywhere.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of tea and a shot of sherry. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had drunk all his liquor and there was nothing left to drink. In his frustration, he dropped his tea pot and it shattered into a million pieces and all over the kitchen floor. He got his broom to sweep all the bits up only to find that mice had eaten the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door to see a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, in a sweet little voice, "Where would you like me to put this tree fat man?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

I Live in a World Obsessed With Looks...

I walk a very fine line with the things I am about to say yet, they are my personal convictions and this is my statement, my stand.

I live in a world that is obsessed with looks. There are so many ads about weight lost, perfect skin/hair/teeth, how to achieve the perfect look and I am surrounded with them daily in magazines, in books, in movies and on TV.

I live in a world that is obsessed about love. The kind of love shown on TV and sung in love songs, where you meet someone you find physically attractive and go on a few dates with them and then you “move on to the next one” or "fall in love" and get married and live happily until divorce or separation due to some minor incompatibility or the lost of that physical pull.

I live in a world obsessed with money. The biggest, best, newest things that money can buy. Living in luxury or living a comfortable life. Being at the top of the ladder. Being well off. Being in control of your finances. Being financially stable.

I live in a world obsessed with self.

I can obsess about my looks, I can dress fashionably or change my body to look a certain way, but what use is that when I die and the worms eat away the flesh? If I see my spiritual self now, how would it look? Would I be buff? Would I be healthy? God gave me this physical body and I should take care of it, and I want to be physically healthy and I want to live a physically healthy life, but I am convinced that if I cannot take care of my spiritual life with the same zeal as I want to take care of my physical self then it is all in vain. If I exercise every day but do not read the word and study the word every day, then what does it matter? I become a person who does not know what to do with the beauty that was sculptured, I become aimless. The physical that I created becomes useless to what really matters.

I can obsess about finding the perfect fit, the person that gives me all the goose bumps and butterflies or has the stable life and can support me. That can become my goal and I can be disappointed over and over again when no one fits that pedestal.

Love is patient and kind. It does not envy, does not boast and is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails. This is real love, if I cannot have this, then anything else is fake (a poor imitation) and I might as well just be an empty barrel tumbling down a hill making a racket.

I am convinced that if I cannot love my fellow man - if I cannot love myself - this way then I will never be truly satisfied when it comes to love. I am convinced that if a majority of my efforts is just focused on finding Mr. Right then I am missing out on the things that life has to offer right now.

I can obsess about my finances. I can try to get rich and say that I will give to the poor, but if I cannot give with the little I have now, how much more will I give when I have more? What use is it to build up treasures on earth that can be here today and gone tomorrow when my treasure chest in heaven is empty?

I suppose in the end my convictions is based on just one thing - eternity. Is what I am doing now useful for eternity? I am not saying that I shouldn't take care of myself, that I shouldn’t get married, that I shouldn't work, I am only saying that these should never overshadow the spiritual aspect of my life and that is, that Jesus died for me and has a purpose for my life and that I should really work hard towards that purpose because I do not know how much longer my place is secured on Earth.

In the end it comes down to me not being obsessed about self, if my affections can be set first on spiritual things, then these other things will fall into a happy medium that is just right for me.

Do you ever feel like the things of this world overshadow the spiritual aspect of your life? How do you keep things in an eternal perspective?

My understanding of love

With my month of December already containing 4 weddings, two engagements, several beginning "serious" relationships, one messy divorce, and the most important birthday in the world, I cannot help but have been giving some thought to love.

From what I have gone through, from my experiences, my understanding of Love is different from what many people would think.

I have loved. I have been loved. I have spurned, I have been spurned. I have given and I have taken. I have had the rush of endorphins and hormones that give the feeling of love, and I have had that rush fade leaving nothing more than logic and understanding.

Love to me is part commitment, it is the choice to love, despite the storm of emotions, despite the tides of feeling. Feelings come and go, but love remains constant. but committed love is consistent love, it neither grows nor fades by itself.

Love is part practice. I do not mean that it is loving one person after another so one could say "I loved Susie, I loved Rachel, I loved Veronica, I loved Betty, and now I love _________." Practiced love is the attempt to put love into action. Practiced love is showing love, its giving love away with nothing expected in return. The thing about practiced love is that it returns to the one who is practicing it. Practiced love is for everyone you meet though. It is not just for that one special person, although that is just as important. It is to be used to help everyone around you, every soul that crosses your path, every person you see. It has no barriers, it worries not about race, color, social status or position, gender, religion, even sexual orientation.

You cannot grow in love until you give it away. The more you give it away, the more people you are able to help and to show love to, the more it returns to you.

Love is part cherishing and nurturing. Love desires nothing more than what is best for the other person and will provide it in any way possible. Love is holding them so dear that even when they are wrong and doing something stupid, you are willing to take the heat and the anger and the wrath to prevent them. Love is forgetting about self and being fully involved with the other person. When someone can not let go of self, they cannot practice love. When someone cannot practice love constantly, they cannot make the choices and commitments love requires.

Love is enduring. Love is scorned. Real love is laughed at and ignored. Real love only has a few people ever return even a smidgen of it back. To truly love is to continue on loving despite the hinderances, the refusals and the rejections. Love continues to love someone even when they would rather hate you. love means letting them hate you. Real love is always misunderstood. To be truly loving is to care not a whit about what is returned to you. True love is alone.

What does love mean to you?

Story from Iraq

BAGHDAD – Spotting irregularities is a tactic that is drilled into the minds of Multi-National Division – Baghdad Soldiers throughout training and in practice while in Iraq.

Soldiers recently watched as a car pulled up to an entry control point at Forward Operating Base Callahan in northern Baghdad. They continued to watch as a woman stepped out of the car holding a bag. Once the woman dropped the bag near the gate, internal alarms were ringing and a careful search was called for and conducted...

...That search yielded a newborn baby wrapped tightly in several cloths. Soldiers raced to the bag, retrieved the child and brought him to the aid station to be examined.

“We unwrapped it to make sure he was alive – and he wasn’t sick, he wasn’t dead, he wasn’t injured,” said Staff Sgt. Paul Briscoe, the aid station non-commissioned officer in charge at FOB Callahan. “He was a perfectly healthy baby. I’m guessing three to seven days old. He was in perfect health. There wasn’t a scratch on him.”

This unlikely sight brought images of the Las Vegas native’s two children to mind.

“It was like my kids were newborns again,” said Briscoe, who serves with Headquarters and Headquarters Company, 1st Combined Arms Battalion, 68th Armor Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, Multi-National Division – Baghdad.

After the medics were satisfied the baby, who by this time had drawn the nickname “Alex Callahan” after the Soldier who found him and the name of the base, was in no need of immediate medical attention, the focus shifted to what they would do with the child.

An interpreter working at the base volunteered to go to a nearby store to buy diapers and formula while another interpreter took care of Alex. Briscoe said the aid station became a hub of activity as word spread throughout the small base of the new arrival.

“I’ve fed him twice, just holding him, watching him, making sure that he’s alright,” said Doreen Haddad, an interpreter with 1-68 AR, who helped care for Alex. “I’ve changed his diapers twice. I wanted to give him a bath, but I wasn’t able to.”

While a forward operating base isn’t the ideal location for a baby, Soldiers and those working at FOB Callahan ensured that Alex’s stay there was as comfortable as possible.

The baby is to be adopted by the brother of a local national, who works at the base. The brother, and his wife, have been married five years and have been unable to have a baby of their own. The interpreters at FOB Callahan have taken a collection to donate to the family to help care for the baby.

Despite the thousands of miles that separates the Soldiers from their families in Colorado, one constant remains with this baby and those they left behind.

“He’s sleeping and pooping – just like a regular baby,” Briscoe said.

Don't wait till tomorrow

It all started when I was 6 years old. While I was playing outside of our house, I met a boy. He was an average kind of boy who teased you and then you chased them and beat them up. After that first meeting in which I beat him up we kept on meeting and beating each other up at the fence. That only lasted for a little while though. We would meet at the fence all the time and we were always together. I would tell him all my secrets. He was quite very quiet he would just listen to what I had to say. I found him easy to talk to and I could talk to him about everything. In school we had separate friends but when we got home we would always talk about what happened in school. One day I said to him that a guy I liked hurt me and broke my heart. He just comforted me and said everything would be okay. He gave me words of encouragement and helped me get over him. I was happy and thought of him as a real friend. But I knew that there was something else about him that I liked. I thought of it that night and figured it was just a friend kinda thing that I was feeling. All through high school and even through graduation we're always together and of course I thought of it as being friends. But I knew deep inside that I really felt differently. On graduation night even though we had different dates to the prom I wanted to be with him. That night after everybody went home I went to his house and wanted to tell him that I wanted to see him. Well, that night was my big chance and all I did was just sit there with him watching the stars and talking about what I was going to do and what he was going to do. I looked into his eyes and listened to him talk about what his dream was. How he wanted to get married and settle down. He said how he wanted to be rich and successful. All I could do was to tell him my dream and cuddle next to him. I went home hurting because I didn't tell him how I was feeling.
I wanted to tell him so bad that I loved him but I was too scared and frightened. I let my feelings go and told myself that someday I would tell him just how I felt. All through college I wanted to tell him but he always had someone with him. After graduation he got a job in City X, I was happy for him but at the same time I was sad to see him go. I was sad also because I didn't tell him how I felt. But I couldn't let him know now that he was leaving for his big job. So I just kept it to myself and watched him go on the plane. I cried as I hugged him for what I felt was going to be the last time. I went home that night and cried my eyes out. I felt hurt that I didn't tell him what I had inside my heart. Well, I got a job as a secretary and then worked my way to a computer analyst. I was proud of what I had accomplished. One day I got a letter with an invitation to a marriage. It was from him, I was happy and sad at the same time. Now I know that I could never be with him and that we could only be friends. I went to the wedding the next month. It was a big occasion. The big church wedding and the reception at the hotel.

I met the bride and of course him. I fell in love one more time. But I held back so it wouldn't spoil what should be the happiest day in his life. I tried to have fun that night but it was killing me inside watching him being so happy and me trying to be happy covering up my sadness tears inside of me. I left City X feeling that I did the right thing. Before I left on the flight, he came running out of nowhere and said his good-byes and how he was very happy to see me. I came home and just tried to forget about what went on in City X. I had to go on with my life. As the years went on, we wrote to each other on what was going on and how he had missed talking to me. On one occasion he never wrote back to me at all. I was getting worried as to why he hadn't written anything for a long time after I had already written 6 letters to him. Well, just when everything seemed hopeless and sad in my life, I got a note that said: "meet me at the fence where we used to talk about things". I went and saw him there. I was happy to see him, but he was broken-hearted and sad inside. We hugged until we couldn't breathe anymore. Then he told me about the divorce and why he hadn't written for a long time. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore. Finally, we went back to the house and talked and laughed about what I had been going and to catch up on old times. But in all of this, I couldn't tell him how I felt about him. In the days that followed, he had fun and forgot about all his problem and his divorce. I fell in love again with him. When it came time for him to leave back to City X, I went to see him off and cried. I hated to see him leave. He promised to see me every time he could get a vacation. I couldn't wait for him to come so I could be with him. We would always have fun when we were together. One day he didn't show up like he said he would. I figured that he might have been busy. The days turned into months and I just forgot about it. Then I got a call one day from a lawyer in City X. The lawyer said that he had died in a car accident going to the airport. And that it took this long till everything was settled. It broke my heart. I was shocked about what took place. Now I knew why he didn't come that day. Again, I was broken-hearted. I cried that night, cried tears of sadness and heartache. Asking questions why did this happen to a kind guy like him? I gathered my things and went to City X for the reading of his will.
Of course, things were given to his family and his ex-wife. I finally got to meet her since the last time we met at the wedding. She explained to me how he was and how he always provided. But he was always unhappy. She would always try everything but she couldn't get him happy, as he was that night at their wedding. When the will was read, the one thing that was given to me was a diary. It was a dairy that of his life. I cried as it was given to me... As I flew on the plane I remembered the good times that we had together. I started reading the diary and what was written. The diary was started with the day we first met. I read on till I started to cry. The diary told of him saying that he had fallen in love with me that day I was broken-hearted. But he was too afraid to tell me what he had felt. That is why he was so quiet and liked to listen to me. It told of how he wanted to tell me so many times, but was too afraid to say anything. It told of when he went to City X and fell in love with another. How the happiest time he had was seeing me and dancing with me at the wedding. He said he imagined it was our wedding. How he was always unhappy till he had no choice but to divorce his wife. How the best time in his life was to read the letters written to him by me. Finally, the diary ended when it said, "today I will tell her I love her". It was the day he was killed. The day I was going to finally find out what was really in his heart.

If you love someone, don't wait till tomorrow to tell him/her. Maybe that next day will never come at all.

Virginity

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